a value makeover

an update on Project: AMOR FATI

Day 40/365

Shitty values. That's what my bestie's diagnosis was. I scoffed. My values are my values. I know what I want. That's what matters. I have my vision. My 10, 5, 3, and 1 year plan. I set goals and habits and I track it all. I envision it all. And I journal. There's nothing shitty about what I want. I'm not hurting anyone, am I!?

That's where I was wrong. I actually am hurting someone. Myself. There are secondary victims too, when I’m hurt. Hurt people hurt people and all that. So yes, there can be shitty values, and I am, or was 🤞 a follower, a devoted follower of my own shitty, absolutely dreadful values.

As dreadful as these values are (and I'll explain why in a sec), they are also perfectly normal, common, dare I say socially acceptable values, at least in the 21st century western world.

Before I tell you about my shitty value recovery journey, you should know how I came to look so closely at my values.

So now you know, let us get into my core values, and the before/after reveal.

values before

I took a list of common values (google this, or get it from Your Life’s Purpose by Michael J Losier like I did) and wrote down the ones that stuck out to me. Then I identified clusters that felt in a similar ballpark.

Cluster 1: I'm special, I'm seen

Specialness

Uniqueness

Individuality

Importance

Accomplishment

Attention

Recognition

Acknowledgement

Appreciation

Approval

These are shitty values partly because they almost 100% rely on the opinions of others. Did you jump off the cliff because your friend did? No, I jumped off the cliff to post about it on Instagram because I’m only valuable if I’m seen as valuable in your eyes the eyes of total fucking strangers.

Cluster 2: I'm having fun, I'm creating, flow

Freedom

Fun

Adventure

Creativity

These values suck because they often lead to a lack of stability, lack of commitment, inability to make sacrifices, or take responsibility. Which would be ok, but life lacks meaning when none of these things matter. They also encourage assoholic entitlement (everything has to be fun or exciting, lack of tolerance for what is mundane.)

Cluster 3: I'm safe, loved, connected

Connection

Safety

Security

Control

Shitty again because they're dependent on outside variables, and when they're relied on too heavily, I can feel absolutely awful when they're not there. I think that’s called a lack of resilience.

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One thing these values have in common is that they're mostly dependent on 1) how I feel and 2) other people or circumstances outside of myself. In other words, I'm letting something as fleeting as feelings determine how I live my life. WTF? That’s a recipe for disaster. That’s what babies have to live with. Totally immersed in feeling and completely subject to forces they have no say over.

Why on earth would I choose to be 100% devoted to values dependent on these things?

Mark Manson may have/probably coined the term ‘Shitty Values’ – my friend is brilliant and could come up with something better, but she also enjoys his writing and I guess the phrase stuck. In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Manson lays out some common shitty values.

1. Pleasure

2. Always being right

3. Staying Positive

4. Material success

I see these poking through in many of my own values, and many of my values rely on some of these being in place. For example, if I want to feel safe, I’m probably going to be dependent on always being right because being wrong is unsettling and can feel like a momentary loss of safety.

So having come to terms with the shit of my values, I also took some time to look at the gold hidden away in them. I don’t think values are strictly good or bad, but they can almost always manifest in a good or bad way, depending on the consciousness we bring to them.

Cluster 1: I'm special, I'm seen

The gold is they can be used to soothe me if feeling "weird" or too different, which is frequently.

Cluster 2: I'm having fun, I'm creating, flow

The gold is encouraging a variety of life's experiences, meeting people, making connections.

Cluster 3: I'm safe, loved, connected

The gold is they drive me towards others who can help me meet these needs, and somewhat balance out the crazier sides of cluster 2 values.

values after

With my value assessment complete, I had another go at determining a new set of values to try and live by. Now, these are not perfect, and have their own shit and gold tucked away in them

But I believe they are an improvement.

1. Peace

Not elation, but not turmoil: Peace is somewhere in the middle. It's a cousin of contentment, but emphasis is on a lack of strong feelings, without the misery of apathy.

It isn't a kind of peace that depends on my outside circumstances, but it is to be sought in spite of those circumstances. “Inner peace” may be more accurate a phrase, but that sounds too New Age woo to me.

For me, the focus with peace is on learning behaviours or using tools to regulate my - rather fucked - nervous system. As I mentioned: I struggle with emotional regulation, and it seems to cause me a great deal of suffering. Peace is the holy grail. It’s being able to sail the boat, regardless of how rocky the waters get.

Fortunately there are a world of these tools (usually with completely forgettable acronyms) to be found out there. Here’s one I’ve got bookmarked, should you value a slice of peace yourself:

4-7-8 breathing

4-7-8 breathing is a popular breathwork exercise for activating the parasympathetic nervous system (the rest & digest one.)

How to do it:

Make yourself comfortable, either sitting up or lying down.

Inhale through your nose for a count of 4 seconds.

Hold your breath for a count of 7 seconds.

Exhale through your nose for a count of 8 seconds.

Repeat this cycle as many times as desired.

I vary the holds somewhat: so long as there’s a pause at the top, and the out breath is longer than the in breath, it does the job for me. I also sometimes take a regular breath in between 4-7-8 breaths to help it feel less intense.

2. Connection

I’ll admit that this value does depend heavily, though not exclusively on others. I struggle with people quite a lot. That emotional regulation thing is pretty tough when you throw other people in the mix. However, I also know people are what give me a sense of mattering. It's hard to matter was when all you have is a temporary meat suit that is decaying every day, stuck on a rock that’s hurtling at 30 km per second around the Sun. People are what make it ok.

It's hard to explain or even know what I mean by “connection”. In part it’s intellectual, and includes understanding others, and feeling understood (which, I’m aware I can’t control. Womp womp.) But it’s also not intellectual: it’s unspoken, non cerebral. It’s looking into the eyes of a dog and sharing a moment. It’s trying to find the perfect (purrfect) spot to pet a cat. It’s tickling an infant and hearing them gurgle. It’s soothing a loved one, as best you can. And it’s wanting to.

Of course there are also obstacles to this, that I’m responsible for. Like social anxiety. I can easily lose friendships because I find it so hard to reach out and make plans (I thankfully, though sadly, know I’m not alone in this.)

So I have a new system. Gold stars for each success:

• Daily - connect with your closest loved one/s.

• Weekly - connect with a very good friend.

• Fortnightly - connect with a distant friend.

• Monthly - connect with - wait for it - someone NEW.

I don’t have to get this right, and I don’t expect to. It’s kind of like having a cleaning schedule when you’re prone to forgetting skirting boards or other such nonsense. (To be clear, I’m not comparing my friendships to my dusty skirting boards. Skirting boards are far less trouble.)

3. Curiosity

Whilst all these values are things I want to experience on the regular, they are also kind of antidotes for my many, many character failings.

I’m easily bored. I stop when things get hard or scary. I’m motivated by external factors, like praise and money.

Curiosity flies in the face of those maladaptive traits. Curiosity says fuck u! (literally, see how the “u” from curious just disappears?) and forces you out into the world of the unknown; come hell or high water you are seeing what’s behind that corner.

The reward? Curiosity feels AMAZING. It's one of my favourite most constructive ad motivating feelings. They do say it killed some other Cat at some point, but I'll takes me chances.

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OK so we have three values. I was dabbling with more, but I started worrying about overlapping values, and whether one was really more important than another… and so I made a Venn diagram (of course.)

Here it is:

Added to our core three, we have some little cross-over values, which get an honourable mention.

4. Compassion (Peace – Connection overlap)

When I studied my original shitty values, I realised not only were they materialistic, solipsistic nonsense, I also realised I had left out something my dad would never forget: Kindness.

It’s all good and well to be a super cool, creative, spiritual type who speaks to plants and feels at one with the earth, but if you aren’t kind, you’re an asshole.

Now it’s actually quite hard to be kind, at least I find it so. But if I tweak this to be compassion, I start to think maybe it’s doable. Compassion is a kind of prerequisite to kindness, IMO. Compassion takes into account the very real struggles that all living things go through, simply because they’re alive.

As soon as I tune into that, I start feeling like a ginger Mother Teresa. Kindness flows where compassion goes, or something.

Also, it’s another antidote to the inner critic who is riddled with self doubt and looks outside herself for approval (see cluster #1 of shitty values.) When I can be kind and show compassion towards myself, I don’t need to try to squeeze approval and acceptance for others. Mantra: You’re OK. You’re OK.

5. Understanding (Connection – Curiosity overlap)

I feel a little bit of teenage Cat reemerging in me as I write on this one. You don’t understand me! She yells, slamming the door and shoving headphones on that blast out angsty pop-punk. Yes, there is still an insecure teenage girl in me that wants to feel understood. Another reminder that whilst I can’t force the understanding of others, I can do my best to 1) understand myself and 2) understand the world around me.

This is always going to be an imperfect attempt, because hello blindspots and limits to my grey matter, but the attempt feeds my soul. It’s why I love asking questions: I want to see the world as close as you do (enter: connection) and I want to know why things are the way they are (curiosity.) Understanding rocks, kids.

6. Flow (Curiosity – Peace overlap)

Flow used to be so fashionable. I’m not sure it is any more, but I’m still a flow-seeker. Flow is like methadone for the goal junkie. I mean, I’m a recovering goal addict. I used to live to achieve something I set out to do on January 1st. When I would realise it was April and I hadn’t achieved shit, it would send me into a spin. I’d feel terrible, berate myself, and punish myself with another - also unachievable - goal. On and on the cycle would go.

Flow makes things worth doing regardless of an end in mind. Flow IS the goal. I mean, without being a drag to try and achieve.

I’m fortunate enough to have had a bunch of flow experiences, despite not being very physically capable. No, I’m not one of those badass athletes who get off on flow states: I’m the goblin artist who forgets about lunch occasionally because I’m getting into gouache or discovered how much I love jigsaw puzzles or am digging writing about shitty values.

Flow doesn’t have to be some elusive, orgasmic holy grail. It can just mean you let yourself do the stuff you really dig, even if it won’t make any money or make you Insta-famous.

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choosing better values

Now that I have my sparkly new values… am I fixed? Well, no. As far as I know, just deciding you have new values isn’t so simple as trading one brand of oat milk in for another. It’s kind of a full time job.

My old values haven’t gone anywhere. I will still get an overwhelming sense of wellbeing when I’m praised for something. I will still get urges to pack everything in and join a cult in Utah.

However, having a new set of values means I have opened up the possibility of choice. I can now choose to base my decisions on my old shitty values, or my new shiny ones. Obviously I’m not going to get it ‘right’ every time. But I think I have a wee bit more wiggle room now.

OK that’s my update on our current experiment. Have you been taking part in Project: Amor Fati? If so, let me know how you’re finding it. Got any value before/afters to share?

how to follow along

If you're interested in reading updates on my journey to amor fati, I invite you to follow along, which you can do very easily, and for free, by Subscribing to this stack...

I'm just one person of course. What works for me may not work for others, and vice versa. Plus, other people living out their own fates likely have a lot to teach me about what helps them to live and even love their fate.

So while I'm researching this, I want to know if these practices work for others. And if like me, you're interested in hanging out with a bunch of other soldiers of fate each month, you can go one step further and sign up using a short form, linked below.

Filling that out means I can email you the links to the private discussion groups held on zoom at the end of each experiment. In addition, I might offer you 1:1 call to go more in depth on how your birth chart (I'm an astrologer by the way) reflects your experience of fate.